Biding Time

I am taking two online classes that are heavy in reading and thinking. I am working on my Amazon income, setting up to sell Poofy Organics  and sorting out how to make sewing for income a reality. I am doing the autoimmune protocol, cook, clean, do laundry, entertain Wallace, try to get out for a good walk everyday, and drink valerian root tea nightly so I can sleep without the relentless thoughts swirling around.

The motorhome is in storage and is a cluttered mess inside. I have a couple curtains I still need to make, a water heater that might not work, and no mattress. I just want to pack us in and go but have to be responsible and sit tight while I get money coming in. If I had solar power and $500 a month that didn’t go to bills, we would just go. I’m still not sure how I’m going to get to the IBCLC dream and what I will do when that happens. I just want another baby.

Meanwhile, Wallace is growing and learning and changing daily. I make a point to look right at him when we talk, which is not something I excell at. He is creative and funny and clumsy. He is so sweet but learning about violence. He wants to be a squirrel for halloween and has outgrown his pizza shorts. He will play with trains and cars and duplos and marble runs. He will sit for a dozen books or read quietly alone. He is learning letters and numbers because he wants to. I think he senses the power they hold. The neighbor puppy is as obsessed with Wallace as he is with Hudson.

Time to get moving and get some school done.

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I just have to jump in and start writing again. This time around, with stress and changes and loneliness, I haven’t wanted to write much. I know I really should and that I will be sad I didn’t keep record of Wallace’s life and my thoughts.


Somehow, naps at home have been reinstated after almost a year of only car naps (stopped wanting to nap at home when he weaned). I don’t know if it’s a growth spurt or a sleep begets sleep thing but he really needs it. It started with him falling asleep in the car more and then staying asleep when I transferred him to bed. When we moved in with my mom, it became harder to transfer him to bed because she’s on the third floor. Then he started staying asleep and wanting to be held for the rest of his nap.

One day a couple weeks ago, he was so tired and whining “I don’t know what to do!” I asked him if he wanted to take a nap and he said yes. I got him to sleep in my bed and made it a regular part of the day for about a week. Appointments and errands sometimes mess us up and car naps are still a thing. I’m sitting in the car as I type.

I try to get the naps earlier, 1-3ish, because if they go too late he does have a hard time falling asleep at night. He will get almost to sleep and then wake up from the start of a dream. Once he’s out, he is out for the night and sleeps until 7:30 or so. If he doesn’t nap, he doesn’t eat well and is understandably cranky.

Part of me is anxious something isn’t right but I’m rolling with it as best I can and will be getting some more trace minerals soon to assist in his growth.

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I was going to work on a blog post I started a couple days ago, but I have a migraine and schoolwork to do once Wallace falls asleep.

We are here. We exist. We are mostly doing well.

So, this is just a checking in post, a hopefully I will get back in the habit of writing post.

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Holding Pattern

We are settled in at my mom’s until we can head to Portland. I have been back to my dad’s twice to work on things, but still have a mattress, my bikes and bike trailer, and the motorhome there. Oh, and the two pallets of stuff in the basement. I would prefer to have nothing to do with my dad ever again but I have no place else to store those things. That is how toxic he has become and how badly things went on the day we left. I would say moved out, but it was more like we fled.

I am still diligently trying to sell the 5th wheel. I tried Ebay twice, multiple Craigslist posts, and it is posted in 13 Facebook groups. I called a couple RV sales places and it’s too old for them to consider buying. Clearly this wasn’t the best decision on my part and I have learned my lesson and need it off my plate.

We can’t leave until it sells. I need the money from it in order to start on our way. I feel so stuck and don’t know what else to do. I won’t be starting the LC program at PSU this fall because I don’t have the last prerequisite done. I also can’t guarantee we will be there in time for the start of fall semester. I am working on admissions things for PSU but also considering I might need to do classes here at MCC. I don’t want to ignore the reality that things haven’t gone as planned but also don’t want to put my energy into a plan that keeps us here for the time being.
*The 5th wheel will sell. The motorhome will be in great working order. Things will fall into place. We will make it to Portland and get settled in before winter.*

I’m trying to keep things normal for Wallace but he was a bit traumatized by our last day at my dad’s. We went to Ikea and he insisted on going in the play area. He didn’t quite get that we weren’t staying with him and started crying 15 minutes in. After I raced back to get him, he clung to me until we got to the car. The pool at my mom’s is closed because the hot tub is broken (not sure why both have to be closed). It’s been too hot to really play outside otherwise.

We have been watching the Olympics and crocheting in the evening after we go for a walk. We have gone to my mom’s school twice. Last weekend, I went to temple (Korean Buddhist one I went to in high school) and Wallace went to the nursery at my mom’s church. I haven’t been feeling well in a week because I ate some non AIP foods so I decided not to go again this week. Wallace wanted to go to the nursery again today so I am alone in the apartment reading and writing.

Next, I will work on creating a spreadsheet of all my sales and inventory on Amazon. I have no money and no way to make more money at the moment. I had sent a shipment to Amazon and they lost my box for three weeks. I wasn’t allowed to open an investigation and they “found” it shortly before I could have. There were 8 of a fast moving, high profit, summer item that is now down in price a bit and not selling as fast. There were also 2 of a game that is now selling for half the price. Overall, I’m not pleased. I have had some sales of the summer item as well as some books so I will have a paycheck in a week but it will all need to go to bills. I don’t know what else to do.

I need to get better pictures of my sewing taken and start an Etsy page. I started one on Instagram but am a bit intimidated by the idea of a selling platform and my pictures aren’t as nice as I would like. I am open to suggestions and advice on this area. Maybe I will start with sewing and save computer work for later today.

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After a horrible day, the likes of which I hope to never meet again, we are out of my dad’s house. I still have to go back and deal with some things as well as get the camper, but we are safe at my mom’s now. I am so exhausted inside and out.

This is all I can write without starting to cry.

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MicroBlog Monday: Books

I decided it would go like this: take, store, sell, donate. I knew I couldn’t bring all my books with me and I didn’t need to. I went through everything at least twice. The final result is jam packed into 2/3rds of my above bed storage.

I lugged them out in laundry basket loads and hauled them through the driver side door. The main door is blocked while parked in my dad’s driveway and it’s as fun as it sounds. Here’s what I got in last night plus I brought in one more overflowing basket today that filled to the place the shelves connect.

I have been putting Wallace’s books into magazine boxes in the cabinets above the dinette. They don’t slide as nicely in and out as I had hoped and I am out of boxes for now.

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Thursday, I ate tacos at the Farmer’s Market and knew I could end up with a reaction to the corn, rice, beans, and nightshades. I am still sick from it (nausea and so much more) and starting to doubt that was the cause of this. Yesterday, I felt quite a bit better but today was back to barely functioning. I’m concerned it’s food poisoning, though that shouldn’t come and go, or stress. So. Much. Stress.

I found out my Grandma (dad’s step mom who has always been my grandma) likely has less than 6 months. She has nodes in her lungs that are growing and something going on in GI tract that she failed to get a PET scan for over the last two months. She’s been on oxygen and steroids for a while now. Her mother, Grandma Shaw, was told she had 6 months and then lived another relatively happy and able 10 more years. So, we’ll see, but she’s not well.

My Gramma (mom’s mom who lived in Florida all of my life) is 92 and has had dementia for a few years now. She has been at a nursing home for people with memory problems for a few years now and just took a turn for the worse. When I last saw her on Easter, she could barely put a sentence together then she was unable to get up or feed herself. She got a little better but I’m not sure how long she will be holding out. It’s been really sad watching her deteriorate because she was always so spunky and fiesty and quick witted, but I know she has had a long, full life and lived it exactly how she wanted to the last 30 years.

I thought writing might help my stress but the stomach pain and nausea are worse now, ugh. I’d make a doctor’s appointment but I really don’t think she would actually help me.

I felt good enough yesterday to finish up two pairs of curtains and get them up in the camper. I also managed to take Wallace to the park and I made lunch. Today was not nearly as successful. I made dinner, read to him, and washed some dishes. I should probably go to bed and see if sleep will help.

Posted in body talk, Parenting, Single Mother by Choice - SMC | 4 Comments