I hope you started there.
I love that piece. I used to be a performance poet. But that is beside the point. The point is that I’ve been avoiding writing a post because I’m grappling with feelings and dealing with being alone.
A couple weeks ago, A had a friend in town and she realized she has feelings for her. They are going to work on a long distance relationship. She let me know as soon as she was ready and felt guilty for letting me down. It hurt really bad at first. I cried and I felt angry in a way I wanted to throw a tantrum.
It is hard to not feel like the world is playing a mean trick on me. I haven’t felt this kind of connection with someone in a handful of years and I was pretty skeptical I would meet someone I felt compatible with. It is cruel to just rip it away like this. Insert toddler tantrum complete with “it’s not fair!!!”
But what am I supposed to do? I could say F this and walk away from someone I feel good about. I could get angry and push her away. Or I could try to navigate this friendship as only a friendship.
We have hung out twice now since this all changed. It is hella hard! If I think of a flirty comment and not say it, I get angry. If I think of a flirty comment and say it, I kick myself. I haven’t asked questions about where this puts us or what boundaries. I am having a hard time and want to tap out. I am back to feeling like a healthy and happy relationship isn’t ever going to happen for me – that I’m not datable, that I missed a chance with someone (in my past) and that was it.
Instead of letting myself feel all this and get it out, I’ve tried to stay optimistic. We’ve continued to text nearly every day and talk about all kinds of stuff. I’m not sure I can maintain that.
I also feel like I’ve messed up for Wallace. He adores her. Asks about her constantly. Lights up around her. Nearly cried when our time together was over. He is young enough that he will forget about this so maybe I should just walk away. Next time, I might not be that lucky.
This is hard and I’m not sure what to do. No being alone when you are a single mom.