Today is February 27th, which means two years ago was Wallace’s estimated due date. I have been really thinky in general and all of these emotions about moving and school are contributing to my sentimental mood. I read this old post from 41 weeks and this post with pictures. (They are password protected, email me if you are a regular reader and need the password.) It is really odd looking back on those details, hearing my voice, remembering those moments that are all blurry now.
I wanted to yell to the then me “don’t do it! Get a home midwife! Stay home as long as you can! Just don’t get induced!!!” Yeh, nothing horrible happened, but it didn’t go as it could have and I will never forget the pain and trauma of that induced labor. It was really scary and I haven’t dealt with all of that yet. It’s a sort of mourning for the way his birth could have gone, mixed with anger at the medicalized natural process, and a dash disbelief that I made it through.
I am in awe that it has been nearly two years since I birthed this kid. I haven’t had a relationship last longer than two years. I haven’t had a job go to two years (unless you count Borders, which I worked at three stores over three and a half years). I have a tendancy to bail, to just walk away under the guise of “this isn’t working anymore.” I can’t (and absolutely won’t) do that as a mom but those facts are like a shadow behind me that I can just barely see out of the corner of my eye. I’m scared that history isn’t going to let go of me in regards to school and relationships. But that is a whole different post right there…
I am really glad I kept up with writing through my pregnancy and now for two years. I wouln’t get to reread these posts and remember who I was then and what I was thinking. The count down posts are total tear jerkers, in a good way. I’m sure these toddler years will feel the same in a few more years!