Deal Breakers

According to one of the many definitions on Urban Dictionary, a deal breaker is “‘the catch’ that a particular individual cannot overlook and ultimately outweighs any redeeming quality the individual may possess.”

With all the relationships I have been in and out over 14 years and the self work I have done, I feel like I have my relationship deal breakers figured out. The easy ones are the ones I know ahead of time. It is harder when I am already enmeshed in a relationahip and a deal breaker comes up. I have a habit of not following my self preservation gut in those instances. Some have come up from past experiences and mistakes but others haven’t had to be acted on yet.

Clearly this is all on my mind for a reason. L and I discussed our deal breakers already. I think it makes sense to be up front about these things as well as life goals and plans. Talking about this prevents a false start relationship and unnecessary hurt.

Here are my deal breakers. I know there are good people who might have some of these labels but they aren’t compatible with me and my life.

* Smoking
* Drug use
* Untreated alcoholism or excessive drinking
* No desire to be a parent
* No self improvement or personal growth
* Non monogamous
* Poor communication skills

Breakup Worthy
* Cheating
* A pattern of lying
* Physical or emotional abuse

Also, here’s a neat article on red flags that I found interesting that I can’t remember if I shared before. What are your deal breakers?

About JennP

Single mom by choice, lesbian, natural living, parenting, car free, Chicago.Thank you for reading and feel free to leave a comment!
This entry was posted in background, dating, Linked Up, Single Mother by Choice - SMC. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Deal Breakers

  1. Mary says:

    I am so glad you are moved and settling in AND that things seem good there!

    Yeah, I’ve been thinking about this issue a lot. I have some wiggle room on mutually agreed upon non-monogamy, but otherwise I totally agree with your list. For me, i would also add low self-esteem. And i think the person needs to read books, although maybe if they did lots of other creative things, but didn’t really read that would be okay? I’ve done the looking back on relationships exercise that they suggest in the article you link to. I had a big realization that I have a type and that type is friendly, conventional, conflict avoidant, people pleasers who are not super self aware. My big thing in relationships has always been “avoid the messed up/negative/abusive people.” And clearly, that is a good thing to do. But I’m realizing that I overcorrected, and screened out interesting, but maybe a little difficult people (and I think that is the category I fall into).

  2. I totally agree with decent self-esteem and reading or being creative and self educating in other ways! I am incompatible with people who don’t meet those descriptions.

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