MicroBlog Monday: Not-Mom Time

I knew going into this whole single mom by choice thing that I wouldn’t have much time for myself. I was naive in thinking I would have the kind of baby who let me get a few things done before bed or while they napped. I hadn’t met a high needs baby like Wallace!

After over two years, I have gotten to the point that I desperately need time to recharge, to just be me and not be Momma. I could count on my fingers the number of hours I have been away from my son and I don’t even get nap times to myself. There is also that new relationship that deserves some one on one time (she deserves a gold medal for how amazing she is with Wallace), I think they call it a date.

I need some tips on getting my not-mom time. How do you recharge, prioritize yourself and your relationship, while being a parent?


As not-Mom as I get.

About JennP

Single mom by choice, lesbian, natural living, parenting, car free, Chicago.Thank you for reading and feel free to leave a comment!
This entry was posted in background, dating, Microblog Monday, Parenting, pictures, Single Mother by Choice - SMC and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

25 Responses to MicroBlog Monday: Not-Mom Time

  1. Lindsay says:

    I hired a sitter who comes for a couple hours on a weekend day so I can get stuff done/go on a date/just sit and write in a cafe/whatever I please. This is expensive, but my sanity is worth it.

    About every other month, I take a sick day from work and send Evie to daycare so I can have a ‘me’ day. I know this isn’t an option for you at the moment, though.

    Truthfully, my self care could be a hell of a lot better. I’m not good at asking for help – it takes an act of god to get me to do it. Usually I wait for my friends to volunteer to take her, rather than ask. That happens about once a month – they take her for the morning so I can just do whatever I want (which is usually cleaning).

    For parents who have help around, or have a partner, finding self care seems a heck of a lot easier. For those of us without family nearby, it is a bit more rare (it’s so great you’re with your dad again!). I don’t know how to get a healthy balance. I keep telling myself I’ll have more time once Evie is a bit older. But that may just be a lie I’m telling myself.

  2. I am contemplating asking a friend to watch him so I can have a real date. I worry he will freak out with anyone other than my dad.

    My dad doesn’t help at all. He has a girlfriend and goes there every evening for dinner and every day off. I do all of the housework and have gotten to use his car three times. I am trying to buy a dishwasher for him but he is being a pain in the butt about using his car to go get it! Then L offers to take us to the store or anywhere we need to go and I don’t want that dependent dynamic yet.

  3. Savannah says:

    Sounds like you defianetly need some non-mom time. If you can’t find a sitter, maybe see if there is a day care that you can use for just a few hours. I know its costly, but I agree with LIndsay, sometimes its worth the cost. And if you can really afford the splurge, I would suggest a massage. Those are always my favorite way to just relax and recharge.

    Or maybe you can join/form a play group and take turns. It might mean watching another kid while that mom gets her own non-mom time, but then she can take a turn and you can do the same.

    Good luck!

  4. I want and need a massage so bad!! That is top of my list of things to splurge on. My mom was all for babysitting but her husband has been in and out of the hospital for 5 months and is in serious condition.

  5. I have no advice as I found that I had no energy left for a relationship or date night and hate being away from my daughter when I’m not working or at school so I ended the relationship. But a lot of people need this to be their best self so it’s worth finding this time.

  6. Oh no, I’m sorry to hear you ended it! I am currently not overwhelmed with work and school but I understand how that would leave little time for a relationship. L has said that though she would like to spend one on one time together, like on a date, she wouldn’t pressure me to make that happen and understands the difficulties involved in making it happen. She works second shift 5 days a week and lives over an hour away so our time together right now is very limited.

  7. How do you find time for yourself and what little things help you feel like your best self?

  8. My gf was very understanding, but I still felt so much pressure, much of it internal. I also love cosleeping and wasn’t willing nor did I want to sleep separately or get back out of bed once she was asleep.

  9. He starts his night in his bed, we get some time together, then he joins us at some point. Wall, Wallace, me, her, edge. He has asked to hold her hand twice now as he slept.

  10. Perhaps because I live an hour away from work and in the middle of nowhere I am able to read or listen to music on my commute. I go to friends’ who have kids and we let them entertain each other while chatting. When M falls asleep I have some wine and read in bed. I also get some free time at. work to read blogs and plan trips, etc

  11. We couldn’t all sleep together because her dogs kept M awake. M also needs it dark and quiet (like me) to sleep and she wanted to cuddle, talk, do adult things and I was just too tired .

  12. This dishwasher I am buying will hopefully free up some minutes for reading and crocheting again! I might have to try this wine you speak of…

  13. Its very cheap wine. Or a cold light beer in the summer!

  14. No beer for me but there are two ciders in the fridge that L and I keep joking we will get drunk on.

  15. Is there Head Start there? There is here, and it’s free. It’s a preschool/daycare place for kids 6 weeks and up. You could look into something like that. I think it’s only during the day, but it’s something.

  16. As a childcare provider for over 7 years, I don’t want my kid being taken care of by someone else. That’s horrible, isn’t it?! There is preschool here for low income families and there is childcare assistance (centers and home daycares). I don’t want Wallace in one. I don’t plan for Wallace to go to preschool though I was looking at some options for Portland when he is 3. Wallace attaches very strongly and quickly with people he spends regular time with. I would be concerned about him getting attached to someone at daycare and then losing them.

  17. Doesn’t sound horrible to me. Daphne isn’t going to preschool either. And she doesn’t go to daycare. I’m home all day though. I don’t trust anyone with her. No one but me or her dad, and I rarely leave her with her dad lol I think I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve left her with him. I just don’t feel comfortable with it. Although I’m going to have to leave her for 8 hours next month, when I go to a conference.

  18. Sarah says:

    I was going to say that, ironically, I’m reading this while home alone for the first time since we moved in last July – then I realized my 12 year old was upstairs! At least he’s giving me some breathing room.

    The only way I swung some non mom to a preschooler time was hurting my back, to the point that driving to pick up my oldest wasn’t safe. I’m trying to get my rib / vertebra back into place with some stretches while my partner, the workaholic who never leaves the house (he works from home) actually had to leave and praise be, took the nearly four year old with him… after I pointed out that I could neither rush to her or hold her if she got hurt while he was gone.

    I was coming here for tips… I did not know from high needs until this last little girl arrived. She is finally, truly weaned as of about six weeks ago, and she still asks to nurse about once a week, saying she doesn’t care if there’s no milk. She has never napped without being held, which by the time she was two just became never napping. She sleeps from roughly 10:30 pm to 9:00 am. I can either stay up later or try to get up earlier, but before weaning, she basically (and always has ) adapts to my sleep schedule regardless of how I change it. I seem to have scraped an hour after her bedtime together now that she’s weaned. She sleeps with us starting around 1 am, tho, so to get decent sleep, I need to be in bed by midnight.

    I wasn’t comfortable leaving her with anyone either, both bc of how she handled it (poorly) and bc it made me so anxious…. but her dad (my partner) could’ve been more supportive – they’re great together, but again, workaholic, and he’s the only one working.

    I don’t want to make this any more whiney than it already feels to me, so we won’t talk about all the issues that brings up, ;). It certainly highlights some of the benefits of being a single mother by choice! That being said, I guess one of the tradeoffs is that I don’t have to worry about a paycheck unless I want to…

    All I really wanted to say tho, is that I understand the need for non mom time and how challenging it is to find it with a high needs baby!! And particularly when the goal is not to rely on family to do so, for whatever reason. Spending time with other moms and their kids is some relief, but not as soothing as true alone time!

    And may we both find the time and money for a massage in the coming weeks.

  19. I hope your back feels better soon! I had planned to have a few quiet minutes crocheting for the first time in over a month last night but Wallace wouldn’t go to sleep until 9:30 when I had started bedtime at 7:30. I barely kept my eyes open and only had a few minutes before L called me on her way home from work.

  20. Sarah says:

    Thanks – it’s feeling better with ice and some yoga. I’m hoping a night’s sleep will also help.

    Crocheting is exactly what I’ve been doing when she gets to sleep early enough that I’m still able to function! Focusing on the stitches and the repitition calms my mind. I’ve been working on a very basic but cuddly afghan for my littlest’s impending big girl bed. Some day I hope to be good enough to do some cute clothes someday!

  21. I like doing little things. I get bored easily! Started a fish last night.

  22. Gille says:

    I do things that make my son not want to be with me as odd as that sounds. I take him for a walk and he wants to run. While he runs at a reasonable distance, I walk and think. Another thing I used to love to do was put him in the tub and grab a book to read. While he played, I would sit and read and the perk was that he didn’t want to come out for a long time. I’m with my son everyday, all day though so it’s not as if there’s much time. I take a few here and there. It was harder at that age. He’s four now and occupies himself and doesn’t mind that he has to go to bed before me as a rule. It gets easier.

  23. When he would just nurse and whine all morning we would get out to the park just so he would be not on me for an hour. I need some time when I’m not responsible for him, ya know?

  24. Gille says:

    Got it. How about a mother’s helper (usually cheaper than a sitter) or a mother’s day out program? They’re usually not expensive and are for a few hours. I know the Little Gym does it but I think it starts at three years old here. Sometimes daycares ( I use the term loosely) do drop ins.

  25. I’m kind of in the middle of nowhere and also don’t have a car. I was talking to a friend yesterday and we both really want to get massages. I said we could trade baby sitting so we can go!

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