I haven’t really felt like writing because I have nothing much new to say. I am just waiting, and unlike the two week wait, I do not know when the waiting will be over. It is also pretty boring with no work and no school at the moment. I am even sitting at a computer to type this since I do not need this scarce time while my child is sleeping to do schoolwork. I guess I will just write and see what comes out and then maybe do a picture post tomorrow.
I managed to finish up everything on time for my classes, which all officially ended December 23rd. I had my dad take Wallace for an hour so I could finish up an essay for Anthropology and submit them. We had to write 5 short essays over a week and then once we went to submit that portion of the exam it told us which 2 to do. That was horrible and exhausting. I also had to do a timed multiple choice exam. I had tried to study but it just didn’t happen. I took my friend and former boss up on an offer to babysit Wallace for a couple hours so I could get it done. I didn’t find out until I got back to pick him up that she had stayed up to 4am wrapping presents and only managed 3 hours of sleep. She is amazing. I had been obsessively checking for grades and Anthropology only just showed up today. I cannot see what my essay exam grade was but my overall class grade was 4.0.
For my joke of an English Comp class, I had to put together my three essays and write a bit to go with them then send them to the teacher. This was dubbed our portfolio. There was no actual teaching of writing in this class and she disappeared for almost a week. My classmates barely gave any peer review, just the bare minimum that was required to get a good grade. I managed a 4.0 in that class too, so that is nice. Makes it look all clean slate on my transcript.
Next week, I start three classes: Nutrition, Infant and Child Psychology, and Statistics. I have no idea what to expect but I am just hoping I can make it through the first two without going crazy and get passing grades that can transfer to PSU. I will still have to take in person Biology with a lab and Anatomy and Physiology with a lab before I can start the lactation program in the fall. I can do this. I can do this.
The more I read about this and talk to people, the more I want to do it. I am loving the simplified life, the ability to move and take my home with me, and the lower cost to actually move us across the country. I could see this being great for a couple years or for longer term. I am learning as much as I can, making lists, reading blogs, and planning what I will need to buy and do. I haven’t told my parents or anyone who could leak it to them. I don’t see the need as they both know we will be moving by fall at the latest. I have enough friends who actually know me to discuss it with and an online group full of knowledgeable folks doing it themselves.
This is where I feel the most impatient with my waiting. I just want to get on with it, get going, and get the hell out of here. I can look RVs for sale and read about how to remodel and live in them but I can’t actually buy one until I have the money. A loan isn’t going to work. I have to wait until my court date on January 14th, find out how much I will be compensated, and then wait for a check. I have no idea how long it will be before I get a check. For those who don’t know, I had a work injury just about 6 years ago that is still in litigation mostly because my lawyer is not good with follow through and the other side keeps losing attorneys. I had to agreed to settle in April but they changed their mind. The other side happens to be a branch of the state of Illinois, which last I checked was in budget limbo with the governor not willing to compromise and any lottery winnings over $600 being held until this is resolved. That doesn’t make me optimistic that I will have a check anytime soon.
I really only celebrate this as a family tradition type of holiday. I have been studying Buddhism for half my life and consider myself Choyge Zen, a form of Korean Buddhism. I have lots of conflicted feelings about all the consumerism as well as the religious aspects, since I don’t believe in them, that the holiday is supposed to be about. I kinda hope to phase it out and maybe do a solstice celebration in the future. This year was all about Wallace, family, and helping my mom to have a good Christmas after a very rough year. I also am not into the Santa thing so he knows him as something in books, not someone who is giving him presents for good behavior. My mom confused Wallace by asking if he went and saw Santa and what he wants for Christmas from him.
I worked on making Christmas presents amid finals and work and a cold. I did not get them all done but it all worked out fine. We did Christmas Eve morning at home with my dad and his girlfriend and her kids with an impromptu Bob Evan’s trip beforehand. This had me running around trying to get us ready to go and get us packed for my mom’s. It was mostly fine and no children did anything horrifying.
After breakfast and presents, we rushed off to my mom’s and Wallace napped in the car. I cooked us a simple dinner, my mom finished up desserts for Christmas, and we prepped breakfast too. Wallace had a really hard time going to sleep and I had to lay down with him after over an hour of trying everything nice to get him to sleep. I was hoping to get to make play-dough for him and play a game of cards with my mom. Christmas morning, he slept in and then we got him all excited for presents. He had a blast and wanted to play with each thing. Then my (estranged) brother and my step brother and his wife came over. We did breakfast and presents and Wallace enjoyed being the center of attention.
Next was the long drive to my cousin’s house to see family I enjoy (minus a few) but barely know. Wallace refused to nap on the drive down so he was over tired when we got there. He took a bit to warm up but there was only one other little kid to play with. He had way too much sugar and ate gluten too. He was trying to help himself to a treat table set up right at his level so my cousin helped him with a mini cupcake. I came around the corner in time to prevent him eating the whole thing. I let him have the frosting. I did find out he loves ham! I do not so this might be tricky to add to his repertoire. He passed out hard on the way home after whining for a few minutes. This was way late for a nap so he ended up staying up late. He had a hard time falling asleep for the night but it wasn’t as bad as the night before. I, on the other hand, slept horribly because of a crappy standing fan and a very hot mattress pad.
Anyway, all of that is over now. We didn’t do anything for the New Year.
If you missed the password protected post a while ago, this probably won’t make sense…
A and I talk almost daily via chat and text and Skype weekly or more. Wallace has gotten to Skype with her too. I feel a million times better emotionally than I have in 3 years and I am very hopeful the third time is the charm. We have both grown so much as people and are still putting a lot of work into ourselves. Everything I liked about her before is still there and then some. There is an undeniable connection. My guilt is subsiding but still gets me occasionally.
I guess the title of this section is a misnomer because we are not in a relationship. We have not talked about that -about trying something long distance or eventually being in the same place- but it feels like what will happen in the future. We have talked about her coming to visit and us stopping on our way to Portland. I have hope in a calm way that things will be as they should and it will be good.
As long as I don’t get glutened, don’t eat dairy, and keep taking my magnesium and probiotics, I feel pretty good. My pain has decreased, my migraines have decreased, my energy level is up. Now that Wallace isn’t nursing, I can do a candida cleanse and see if I can correct some of what is going on in a more long term way. I feel like these things are working for now but that I will need to do more to get to a place of health.
Add to that my small daily yoga routines and my neck pain that causes migraines is down. I haven’t made it to the chiropractor in a couple months but the yoga is helping a lot. If I miss a day then I start to get the neck pain again. I try to do it morning and night and have been adding to the number of poses as I feel compelled to do so but I am not always making the time and remembering. I have been doing Half Moon, Eagle, Standing Bow, Tree, Camel, Rabbit,Camel, Rabbit, Spine Twist. I sometimes get a few extra in there but I am blanking on the names. I also got a massage this week, my first since I was pregnant, and that one barely counted. My third fourth since leaving massage school nearly six years ago.
Another thing that has been helping me a lot are Chinese herbs. A Denver friend was an acupuncturist and when I told her about my anger issues that started with pregnancy, she told me some herbs to get. I took them for a handful of weeks and they helped a lot. The anger subsided. After Wallace was born, the anger came back and continually got worse, especially over the last year. I had considered taking them again but they have mint in them, which I know effected my milk supply. Once I knew breastfeeding was done, I started taking them again. Within a few days, I was my old self. I felt normal and balanced. I had the patience I always did with everyone’s kids. If I forgot a dose, I felt it creeping back up. Then, I ran out. I had tried to find some locally, but there isn’t anywhere around here that sells them. I had intended to order them, but I dawdled (and was overwhelmed with school and holiday stuff). I finally placed the order after Christmas and the tracking says it will get her tomorrow. I don’t feel nearly as bad as before so maybe it is helping to balance and heal those parts of me. Just in case it isn’t, I ordered three bottles.
Well, it’s almost 11pm and I should go to bed. I am so in the habit of being up this late for school that my brain doesn’t want to shut down at an earlier time. I hope everyone has had a great Christmas and New Year! My blog reader has been quiet and I would love to read your updates.