I keep debating growing my hair out but it’s never happened. I’ve been thinking about it again lately. I am about to have a big life changing move that will end in a professional career. I want to look professional and not be ruled out for jobs by my choice of hair style, but at the same time don’t want to conform to something I’m not.
I started shaving my head at 14, played around with short hair for a couple years, shaved it again for a few years, and then had it short for a couple years. I consistently shaved it from 23 to 30 with a meager attempt for a couple months to grow it out around 26. It’s just what I have always done and how I’ve always seen myself.
The first time I shaved my head, I went from even, shoulder length hair to nothing in one fell swoop. I donated it to be made into a whig. My aunt had had breast cancer when I was little and that played a roll in my decision. I was also beginning to study Buddhism and bald intrigued me. I wasn’t out yet, even to myself, but maybe I needed an outward way to show there was something different about me.
When I was 23, my aunt died from lung cancer. It was very painful for me. She was the midwife at my birth, her voice was the first I heard and her hands were the first to hold me. I had just gotten back to Chicago from a failed attempt at a summer job on a dude ranch that I had grown my hair out for, so I shaved it off again. My bald head really began to define me.
I think I’m attached to being bald but also don’t know how to be otherwise. My shaved head is part of my identity and something people recognize and often appreciate. But, maybe it’s time to let go of it and move on.
My hair is thick in both ways – thick semi wirey hair and lots of it. It is various shades of blond, black, and the occasional white. Last I checked, it could be a little wavy but not really anything predicable. It doesn’t really move or swish like some people’s hair does. I don’t know anything about taking care of hair beyond how to wrangle a toddler to let you get it somewhat orderly and out of their face. I haven’t bought shampoo in so many years and likely wouldn’t even if I did grow it out.
I am completely intimidated by the growing out phase and scared I won’t like how I look along the way or with it long. If I could go straight to pony tail length (remember, 16 years since the last time I did my own pony tail) and skip growing out, I would totally try it.
How do people even do long hair and have it look nice? Maybe there’s something in between that would suit me better? Or I should just stick with what I know and keep shaving it?