It’s my birthday! I am now 31. I don’t think my birthday makes any difference this year. I had been hoping to make today my launch day, but that’s not going to happen. I have a hematologist appointment in a week and still haven’t sold the 5th wheel.
It’s no secret that I want another baby, another pregnancy, and I was hoping to have made that happen already. I have been having a ton of dreams and just woke up from the most detailed and real one. I’ve had dreams every week at least lately about ttc and pregnancy and birth.
The dreams are just getting more and more real, like she’s calling to me. I remember every contraction, push, feeling her crown, catching her, the placenta. I remember wanting to walk barefoot outside before transition and birthing in a squat position. I remember some of the people around me and the feeling of safety and being in control. I remember pulling her up to my chest and holding her tiny body, feeling her move. I remember naming her but now can’t recall what it was. Then when I woke up, she was gone and I miss her.
I wish it made sense to have another sooner than later. I just know I can’t do it on my own and doubtful I could manage it while in school. Putting off school is tempting but then there’s my health and needing to feel better before getting pregnant again. There’s also money, which I am lacking. Oh well, she will just have to stay in my dreams for a while longer. Be patient, little one.