Alright. I will admit it. I am so jealous of everyone who is ttc, pregnant, or has a new baby. I had to unfollow some birth related pages on Instagram because I get hit with envy and yearning. I have had multiple friends have babies or get pregnant in the recent past. I adore them all and love that they are making new awesome people, but it’s also hard to not be consumed by wanting what they have.
I know it would be completely unreasonable of me to get pregnant right now, or over the last year that my baby envy has kicked in, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting it. I then beat myself up a bit that my SMC plans did not go well (yes, I have Wallace and am a mom now, but losing my jobs and having to live with each of my parents was not the plan). I hate that I am still single mostly for the fact that I don’t have someone to combine resources with and make another baby. I hate that school plans have been rewritten a dozen times, that my financial situation is abismal, and that I can’t have another baby when my body and heart are so clearly ready (not all of my body as I’m still working on healing my autoimmune disease/s).
I miss the unknown, the anticipation, the growing, the wondering, the planning. I miss the labor, the breastfeeding, the firsts, the soft skin and tiny hands. I miss the falling in love, the getting to know, the oneness. I miss the babywearing, the diapers, the tiny clothes.
Of course there are things I don’t miss, but I got through them all and am better because of it. I want to do it again as a new experience and as having more experience this time. I want another baby.